So after my last post I was feeling pretty down. But it wasn't long until the positive messages came pouring in, telling me to be patient and to think of all I have accomplished. I called and you answered. And it meant the world to me. Thank you to each and every person who took the time to give me a little boost. It definitely helped.
So I had a renewed sense of determination when I went in to the studio today. I kept telling myself that I could do it and to be patient with myself. I vowed not to cry and to just keep working. And it came to the point where I was trying to conquer those dreaded pullbacks and I kept saying to myself that today was the day. But before long I was getting frustrated with myself. I was making the same mistakes over and over and it is so hard when you are alone. There is no one to vent to or get advice from. Already annoyed I moved on to the military time step and getting it as quick as possible and my body kept feeling disoriented, like it was working too hard. And soon I was feeling like it was impossible to get any quicker (which is a necessity). I couldn't take the lack of progress and I just fell to pieces right there on the floor. I fell to my knees and just cried. I begged for help and guidance. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to quit (very unlike me). I kept trying to break through the emotion but I couldn't. I texted my husband and asked if he wanted to go for a drink. As soon as he met me in the room I crumbled in his arms and went in to full metal breakdown mode. I started venting all of my frustrations with this process. And then it turned in to venting about my dissatisfaction with my life and my resentment towards my Dad and everything just came out. I cried so long, I got a headache. It felt great to get it all out. As a side note, something you have to know about me, I have to feel my feelings and express them and get them out. Otherwise they just hang around and bring me down.
So we went over to Trulucks and I had the most delicious Lychee Martini. It was much needed. We talked a little more about what I should do and he was so supportive and loving as usual (I am so lucky). And then it was getting close to rehearsal time. I didn't want to go but I knew I had to. When I got to rehearsal I realized that rather than learning the next part of Go In To Your Dance, we were reviewing together. The girls and I went over what we knew over and over again. I was feeling very warm and relaxed (and no it wasn't the martini). I stopped thinking for a while and it just started coming like everyone said. Now it wasn't perfect by any stretch, but even I started believing that I was a tapper. I got so comfortable I was able to explore my character choices a little more and I was actually acting rather than dancing in straight fear.
It was just the night I needed to get me through. And the breakdown didn't hurt either. I needed to get those toxic feelings out. I feel so much better and ready to tackle all the steps that are to come my way. I am not saying I won't get down again but I am glad I am on an uphill swing.
Thank you to you all who are following me and giving me support, advice and guidance. I couldn't do this without you.
Have a great night!
For the first time feeling like your,
Anytime Annie
P.S. 48 Days Until Opening Night!
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