No More Being Timid!

I am writing this with my feet in a vat of hot water and chamomile epsom salt. My feet are happy.

We learned the rest of We're In The Money tonight and I am overwhelmed with more tap steps and now we are dancing on wooden dimes. In the dance we are doing stomps into brush backs. These are my least favorite things. I have a hard time figuring out how to stomp my foot and then get the brush back in immediately. It seems impossible in these shoes, they have absolutely no bend. And then my toes are scrunching in my shoes and that is causing tension and then I get annoyed that I can't do it and that causes more tension. It's a vicious cycle. Also, we are doing bombershays which are a complicated flap step that invloves what? You guessed it, brushes! Ahhh! Breath Jessica! I just have to step away from it and go over it on my own. I need to give it time to sink in.

I am meeting with the Dawn tomorrow (director/choreographer) for a personal session. The things I really feel I need to work on are flapping and shuffling under my body. This will make faster moves more clean, like the military time step. I also want to work on pullbacks, of course. And just overall placement of my weight.

Megan said something that stuck with me tonight. I was having a hard time flapping under myself (as opposed to out to the side or front) and she said that I was being too timid. As soon as I decided not to be timid, the steps got better. I have to apply that to all of the dances and even the entire show. So my new motto is, "No More Being Timid!"

Well times up on the epsom salt! Gotta go to bed, goodnight!

Love,

The tapper who wonders if you can purchase loose ankles online.

36 Working Days Until Opening Night!

With Me It's All Er Nothin'!

Today I am singing a tune from Oklahoma, feel free to sing along with me if you are familiar;

"With me it's all er nothin'. Is it all er nothin' with you? It can't be in between It can't be now and then No half and half romance will do!"

Allow me to explain. Being a runner, Sunday is my long run day, which means I run anywhere from 6 - 13 miles depending on where I am in my training. Well I have been having a little trouble with a pinched nerve in my big toe on my right foot. It doesn't really hurt but I definitely feel it tingling. In the interest of not hurting myself I decided this morning that I was not going to run because I thought the constant pounding would not be good on the toe. So I went for a nice 14 mile bike ride instead. Although, it still doesn't feel like enough.

What is the lesson to learn here, I have a hard time finding a balance in things. I am either in it to win it or I am not doing it at all. There has to be some sort of middle ground that will make me feel comfortable.

Anyway, I went in to the studio yesterday and with my toes wrapped with athletic tape, I went to work. I knew that I really had to work on Go In To Your Dance. I broke it down slowly and was feeling pretty comfortable with the dance by the end. This show is just one of those things that requires constant practice to get the muscle memory. You can't do it in just one session.

Here are some issues that are still arising:

1. I am not shuffling properly. I am doing it more with my leg than my ankle. This is preventing me from doing the military time step faster and cleaner.

2. I know my hips and ankle are not supposed to be tight. But what is supposed to have tension. Something has to be working. When I go all limp everything gets sloppy. My taps start to sound scrapy. How can I get those clean sounds and still be relaxed?

3. I am still having issues with how low to bend and how much to be up. I think this is just something you begin to understand with time. I have a deeper understanding now but I need more.

My plan this week is to work as much as my toe allows. I am really trying to listen to my body and not break myself. But I have talked to several dancers and they said as long as I am careful it's not a threatening issue. We are finishing Go In To Your Dance on Tuesday and we are doing We're In The Money tomorrow. I am not really sure if I have any other tapping to learn after that because Anytime Annie is not in the 42nd Street Ballet number. So it will just be regular dances to learn which comforts me. Don't get me wrong, I am having a blast with the tap, but I don't want to overwhelm my brain and my body.

But I will say that I am proud of myself for striking a balance today with my running. I think that shows how dedicated I am to this. I just have to be careful with myself for the next couple of weeks if I want to practice on top of rehearsal. That is a lot of physical output that is tough on the body.

So on that high note of praise I will leave you! Have a lovely Sunday!

Love,

Your Tingling Toe Tapper!

38 Working Days Until Opening Night! (YIKES)

My New Address: Relaxation Station, Positive Town, USA

Well, with my take no prisoners attitude on pullbacks and my insane need to continue exercising on top of everything else I am doing, it's no wonder my quadriceps are screaming at me. And getting up at 3:30 AM every morning isn't helping either. Needless to say, I was pooped today. However, I went in to the studio anyway. I know, I am a glutton for punishment but any practice is good practice. And I always feel better going in to rehearsal having worked that day.

Since I was tired, and I am listening to my body, I decided to put an hour and a half cap on my time. I started working on that darned military time step. At first my tired legs couldn't keep up, but then I applied something that Crystal said last night which is use your big toe. That kind of clicked for me and it was getting cleaner and cleaner. Then I attempted some pullbacks. I was getting them but then I noticed that I was still kicking my left foot out too far. I think I need some one on one time for these now that I have a new understanding of the mechanics. I decided to stop because I didn't want to hurt myself. I went over Go In To Your Dance and when I got to my solo I realized that my legs were so stiff, as if rigamortis had just set in. I told myself to relax and just think in to the ground, use my big toe for the shuffles, and the solo instantly got better. I have to always remember to breath and relax now that I am improving.

I started working the opening number, however I was feeling so draggy so I decided to do the moves slow and really solidify them. This was helpful but I really need to work on them at pace.

I was glad that I had worked on Go In To Your Dance because we had extra time tonight and so we moved on in the dance. It felt different learning the steps tonight. I felt less overwhelmed. I am really just trying to have fun and tell myself that I am going to get it, because I AM DAMN IT (that was for you Dawn)! It was actually fun to learn the choreography and I was really getting excited about the number. It is going to be a blast every single night. I just have to practice, practice, practice.

I am so happy that I am still residing in Positive Town! It's such a nice place to visit. I think I'll stay.

Well Goodnight,

Your tapper whose feet feel like they are going to fall off. Yay!

41 Working Days Until Opening Night!

Umm...Was That A Pullback? BOOYAH!

Today's blog is dedicated to all of my teachers and castmates who try to help me in any way. And especially Sulley who was able to make me understand what everyone had been telling me. That's right kids, Mama did some pullbacks today.

Last night, Sulley helped me to figure out how to practice my pullbacks (going from double pullbacks in to syncopated pullbacks). She was pretty much telling me the same things every one else was telling me but it just clicked at that moment. So I went in to the studio today on a mission. My mantra was,"I am not leaving until I get this." I started with the double pullbacks trying to think up not back. I was not satisfied with the lame sound my feet were making so I plied a little more in to the floor then lifted up, came back down in to a nice plie and up again, all the while remembering to have loose ankles. And the sounds were more pronounced. So I tried to separate my feet and do my right foot first then my left in order to get 4 sounds instead of 2. At first, I encountered the same trouble as before but with what I had learned previously from my double pullbacks I was able to start scraping my right foot and before I knew it I was getting 4 sounds. Sometimes I was getting a scrape, but I was working on them for an hour and a half so my legs were a bit tired. I was sweating so profusely and my quadriceps are screaming now as I type, but I was elated. I had done what I had set out to do. And they are only going to get better now that I understand the mechanics. I immediately texted my husband to come up and see. I couldn't wait to share my success with him, especially after the breakdown he saw me go through. It was a good moment.

Then I was feeling full of piss and vinegar, so I decided to tackle the military time step sequence that goes with the pullbacks. I have been having trouble with getting my body to move quicker with this one. But I taped Sulley last night and I was able to see where her weight goes during the step and I was able to apply that. I am getting close to putting the whole thing together.

After that I drilled the Opening Number a bit and then finally decided that I was done for the day. I left feeling invigorated and proud and dripping in sweat. There is no better feeling than accomplishing something you've worked so hard to do. I really feel like I earned it.

I cannot wait to get in to the studio tomorrow and work it all over again to get it perfect. I am feeling more confident by the day which definitely helps with my character, who isn't afraid of anything or any tap step. I guess this process will really inform me for my part.

One of my acting teachers once said,"Hard work and patience never fail." I really feel that today. Thank you again to all of my wonderfully talented and patient teachers. You are the reason for this success.

Alrighty, time to get the hubby to give me a foot massage. Goodnight!

Love,

The proudest little tapper in the world!

44 Working Days Until Opening Night!

Role Reversal = Realization

Today was the teen auditions for 42nd Street. For those of you who are not familiar with The Naples Players, we have an excellent KidzAct program and some times in the summer the teens do the same show as the adults. It's a great idea because the kids get a fully realized show and since the creative team (which consists of almost all the same people as the adult cast) don't have to worry about working on a completely different show, everyone is able to focus on the work and getting these kids to really work hard and serve it.

So I was teaching the audition choreography to the teens today. I thought it was funny that I was teaching tap but since I am familiar with all the steps and the entire process I guess it made sense. I felt a responsibility to these kids to give them as much information and advice as I could. Coming from someone who is still in the process of learning I thought it was good to explain to them that this is hard and it takes time. I actually found myself saying these words. These words that everyone has been saying to me. I really started to take it in today and believe it.

Throughout the process I found myself getting extremely comfortable and serving up some serious face. I was doing exactly what I was told to do when I auditioned and in rehearsal, which is to relax and trust that it will come. But it wasn't until I was in the position of teacher, did I get it. It's funny how that works out. I do the same thing with acting. If I am teaching an acting class or directing a show everything is crystal clear and I give great advice. But as soon as I get a role I make everything so complicated. It's odd how we just fall in to these roles.

So as the teens were auditioning I was watching like a hawk and seeing tense, straight legs, very tight ankles, no breathing and extreme thinking. All the things that I have been doing and still do today. But by seeing this I was able to see how much I had progressed from the adult workshop that I took just a little over a month ago. It was so hard to see and feel that progress until now. I was there, tightness and all and I have really improved in such a quick time. Some times hearing the words from others isn't as helpful as seeing and feeling it for yourself. But I thank everyone for their words because it all adds up in the end. I wouldn't have come to this realization today without those words, and for that I cannot thank you enough (you know who you are).

And as I was driving home with my husband today I was talking about the auditions and I said something that really helped me put things in to perspective. I said that it's a process, just like my singing and just like my acting. It takes time and it may not be perfect but it will be the best it can be at that moment. And I am ok with that. I don't need it to be perfect. A great teacher once said to me,"Artists are always in process." How true that is. I will always be in process of becoming a better tapper and what will be will be on Opening Night. But what I know I can do is serve up a great character with a side of brassy singing. And the tap is getting there.

I so needed this day. I feel amazing. It's been a good couple of days of amazing realizations. It has given me so much hope for the future. I can't wait to keep working on this show.

Yours truly,

The tired and extremely grateful tapper.

47 Days Until Opening Night!

A Much Needed Mental Breakdown

So after my last post I was feeling pretty down. But it wasn't long until the positive messages came pouring in, telling me to be patient and to think of all I have accomplished. I called and you answered. And it meant the world to me. Thank you to each and every person who took the time to give me a little boost. It definitely helped.

So I had a renewed sense of determination when I went in to the studio today. I kept telling myself that I could do it and to be patient with myself. I vowed not to cry and to just keep working. And it came to the point where I was trying to conquer those dreaded pullbacks and I kept saying to myself that today was the day. But before long I was getting frustrated with myself. I was making the same mistakes over and over and it is so hard when you are alone. There is no one to vent to or get advice from. Already annoyed I moved on to the military time step and getting it as quick as possible and my body kept feeling disoriented, like it was working too hard. And soon I was feeling like it was impossible to get any quicker (which is a necessity). I couldn't take the lack of progress and I just fell to pieces right there on the floor. I fell to my knees and just cried. I begged for help and guidance. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to quit (very unlike me). I kept trying to break through the emotion but I couldn't. I texted my husband and asked if he wanted to go for a drink. As soon as he met me in the room I crumbled in his arms and went in to full metal breakdown mode. I started venting all of my frustrations with this process. And then it turned in to venting about my dissatisfaction with my life and my resentment towards my Dad and everything just came out. I cried so long, I got a headache. It felt great to get it all out. As a side note, something you have to know about me, I have to feel my feelings and express them and get them out. Otherwise they just hang around and bring me down.

So we went over to Trulucks and I had the most delicious Lychee Martini. It was much needed. We talked a little more about what I should do and he was so supportive and loving as usual (I am so lucky). And then it was getting close to rehearsal time. I didn't want to go but I knew I had to. When I got to rehearsal I realized that rather than learning the next part of Go In To Your Dance, we were reviewing together. The girls and I went over what we knew over and over again. I was feeling very warm and relaxed (and no it wasn't the martini). I stopped thinking for a while and it just started coming like everyone said. Now it wasn't perfect by any stretch, but even I started believing that I was a tapper. I got so comfortable I was able to explore my character choices a little more and I was actually acting rather than dancing in straight fear.

It was just the night I needed to get me through. And the breakdown didn't hurt either. I needed to get those toxic feelings out. I feel so much better and ready to tackle all the steps that are to come my way. I am not saying I won't get down again but I am glad I am on an uphill swing.

Thank you to you all who are following me and giving me support, advice and guidance. I couldn't do this without you.

Have a great night!

For the first time feeling like your,

Anytime Annie

P.S. 48 Days Until Opening Night!

My Personal Struggle

This is sort of a personal post for me. I left rehearsal last night feeling a little dejected. Now it's not that the choreography is super hard for Go In To Your Dance, because it's not. It's just that I feel that I am always playing catch up. I am never that girl who just knows what she's doing and makes people go, "Wow, she can really do that!" Now some people may disagree with that statement, but the trouble is that I don't believe it. My acting is never good enough, my singing is never good enough, I'm never thin enough. I spend my life comparing myself to other people and trying to compete with what I think is their perfection. And in looking up to all these people I worry constantly about what they think of me. For example, I worried all night last night that the choreographer was wishing she just had someone who already knew how to tap because then she could move through the dance so much quicker. Now there was no indication given by the choreographer that this was actually what she was thinking, actually she was very understanding and patient. However, I made up this whole scenario in my head that if I had just gone to dance school when I was young this wouldn't be a problem and I wouldn't be slowing everyone down. But I am worrying about things that are entirely out of my control. And in the process, completely exhausting myself.

The funny thing is the choreographer will ask me if I know what I messed up and I know every single time. I feel and hear every missed tap and it is so frustrating. I do realize I am looking for instant gratification and have ridiculous expectations of learning in 3 weeks what these women have taken years to learn. But that is only because I want so badly to do this right. I want to make all the sounds with ease. I want to look natural. I don't want to look completely freaked out (which I did last night).

So the question today is how do I get there? How do I stop looking afraid? How do I believe in myself? How can I continue to be positive?

I am so scared that I won't be able to do this. But with that fear I am reminded that as usual I am taking myself out of my comfort zone and taking a big risk. I am always doing that which is probably why I always feel frustrated because I never just stay comfortable in just one thing. I want to learn it all and be great at it all (not good, great). And the question is, is that a good can-do attitude or just way too much pressure to put on myself?

I need your words of wisdom and encouragement today.

Thank you for stopping by.

49 Days Until Opening Night!